it’s a cold night, I cried, and felt complete

I might be crashing the harmonious sleep of this extinct blog of mine, but then, I have all the rights to gatecrash it and put all in it what’s on my mind right now. After all, this place is owned by none other than, ME! ME! ME!

So much so acting like Rachel Berry. Heheh, see? 2010 just passed and went by, I already have a new favorite TV show, my two dogs are now three, I have already resigned from work, and I’m back in here! I just feel the urge to be dramatic now. It’s actually a cold night right now, but my sister just turned on the electric fan. I was in my previous office (I love how I refer to it as previous) this afternoon and I was haggled by a lot of not-so-good, extreme emotions by my previous co-workers. It just made me realize that I feel complete now that I have earlier decided to leave the company. It shouldn’t be misunderstood that I hated my previous employment, I did love the company, I still do, I didn’t love my job, but I learned to love it because I have to.

When I watched the primetime news this evening, I was moved by a report regarding this non-profit organization which do all that they can do to be able to rescue and cater the needs of helpless animals in the streets. I was so moved that I became inspired to produce a blog about my craziness over dogs. I cried as I watched that special report by a local TV host, then I cried again when I browsed through the site of the non-profit organization again. Cried, as in my mascara totally messed up my face!

Those happenings and how I became fulfilled with what have happened today and how I have reacted to them, I just feel complete.

 

Feel Good

How I wish I could express myself  in words pretty well and never get tired or ashamed of reading this post over and over again. Just when I lost phrases and sentences to write, all of the ideas that ran through my mind were all gone.  I just feel good. REAL GOOD. I don’t know if this is because I have paid all of my bills on time, or my husband calls me everyday, or I just can simply ignore a silly, gayish laugh from someone I loathe so much and feel really good again. Heheh.

They say that what you feel inside goes out and show through the aura that you wear. I’m wearing a somewhat problem-free one and when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel complete. Technically,  I am not complete, but I just don’t know, I feel otherwise.

I read a blog about a fireworks-inspired love yesterday, and I felt like crying as to how the blogger shares to the world how he feels for his partner. I read romance pocketbooks and I continue on falling in love with my husband. His ways are way too far compared to the male characters who grace the stories in the books with their sweetest mantras, their very well-described desires for their women, and their manly physical attributes. I thought I was pregnant upon feeling this pleasant situation, but I’m not. I just realized, I love my husband to the bones and from deep down my hypothalamus. I love him unconditionally.

This is a random thought, so maybe this feeling good phenomenon is because of Twilight. I revisited the movie, and I’m currently reading New Moon to refresh my memories and to get ready for the sequel of the saga. Maybe I feel good because of the undying love in the story.

Or maybe I feel good because I just feel good? I’m feeling complete, I feel love in my system. I feel peaceful.

 

He’s going. It’s final. Time to let go.

My husband’s going to Manila this Sunday. It will be his final “going to Manila” hoopla and I don’t know how I will feel. His first Manila trip since he came last May was June 29th. I cried for that even though I knew that he would come back after 1-2 weeks. 2nd trip to Manila was last August 10, I thought that would be the last trip away from me. The feeling I felt for that, I thought, was the worst I have ever had. Maybe one of it’s causes was I got sick I had to consult a doctor. Miracle happened that his boss allowed him to come home a week after August 10th. He came back home August 18th.

I don’t know how I will feel and experience if he goes to Manila on Sunday. I think it will be worst of the worst. So, what would I call that? HELL? Haaay…

 

on moving on

Now, this is a true entry. I don’t mean any joke in here or any dedication to someone I know who is trying to do the process, but still cannot, because she’s still inlove.

I have been in the same situation as her one last time. I thought I could not do it, but I did, and it was successful. It’s not an easy emotion and process that somebody has to get through but step by step and slowly, but surely, a person who tries to move on and means it, really moves on.

When I first heard of my ex dating someone now, I was a bit shocked and felt unexplainable at the beginning. So a friend says, you’ll only realize that you’re already over your ex, when you can picture him out holding somebody else’s hands. Maybe that unexplainable feeling explained it all. Hahah. I’ve moved on, I then said, glad that he has moved on. After all that had happened to both of us, all I ever wished for, is for him to be happy as I am right now.

The LOVE that we have felt was true.  It will last forever but it would never be enough to sustain us when we were together.  So, its just to say that both of us have already found and ended with the closure that we have been seeking for all this while.

 

why I would wanna grow old with this someone

I have sworn one time to a cousin, that if this someone I love would have all the guts to ask me to marry him right away (right away like now), I would really say yes.  I have sworn that statement even when we were just flings, not boyfriends and girlfriends yet. And I kept what I have sworn and promised. I said YES right away when he asked me to marry him.

And the BIG question now, why did I decide so immediately. I remembered my little sister advising me to never ever make a concrete decision when you’re too sad or TOO HAPPY. I’ve never been so happy when he proposed. I was like floating in cloud 9 and my head was like wringing and I knew right away that any person in this world cannot decide properly when he/she is in his/her extremest of emotions. BUT I STILL SAID YES. At first, I wasn’t sure about it, but then as time went by, realizations went by, that extreme emotion I have felt led me to the right decision.

I was asked by a friend why I’ve ever made that decision, when my ex-boyfriend asked me to marry him, I didn’t even have to think twice to say NO. I answered her, this someone I love now, I know will take care of me. And then she reacted, the number one reason why I’m marrying this someone is becaue of SECURITY. Security is, according to a Psycology graduate friend, the top-ranking result of their research about what women want from their men. Well, I thought, it is true and it is right. My Psychology graduate friend, graduated and passed their thesis.

My mother’s point of view which really dazzled me, she said that I made this decision because I don’t want any more crap from my previous relationship and I just wanted freedom from it. She’s also right. And TRUE, I just don’t want to be bothered by my stupid past anymore and I just want a new, free life.

BUT, here’s what I truthfully feel about this all brou-ha-ha. I wanna end up with this someone special because I just LOVE him that much I could not find anyone much more worthy of how I feel. He has always been a dream for me that I said YES right away when he proposed. And that proposal just happened eventhough he wasn’t yet my boyfriend! See the magic in there? That’s how I feel for him. That’s how I feel whenever I am with him.

 

what I would say on A wedding day

A rise from hibernation, I know it’s already January and my last post in my wordpress was like decades ago. Sorry. Got no time, or shall I say had a lot of time for the holidays and never had a time for my web-based expressions. So here it is now.

I don’t know if the words that I will say will be said in my own wedding or what I wish I would hear from other brides’ mouths during their wedding day. Maybe after I’ll say these words, I’ll be overwhelmed and snap out.

To the one I love, I know, long-distance relationships have the record holding a not so long moment of two lovers being together. They always end up throwing that long-distance to the trash can. (I know, this is gonna be my speech!) But I believe, in a year, we’ll stop talking on a phone and just be with each other for like two-three months. Not bad enough.

I know that I was inlove with you when I was just 13 or 14 years old. And I never realized, I’ll be more inlove with you when I became 23. Ten years of carrying that feeling inside me and it never faded away. A lot of moments may have covered that feeling, but it never failed to fade. Now that I know that you’ll be mine forever, I can’t stop thanking God. And I can’t stop thanking my inner, childish self for not stopping on loving you. Tomorrow will be just another day, but for the both of us, it will not be me and you anymore. It will be US.

And now, I know you’ll have no more words to say. Just as Carrie told Big in Sex and the City, just say, “I will love you”.

And I WILL LOVE YOU, too, forever.

 

LOVE or INLOVE

I get irritated when I’m being discouraged with the decision that I have made. My sister who is really, really not in favor of me being wed to my boyfriend, played the Devil’s Advocate this night. She got the news from our mother who can’t help but tell her my plans.

I knew from the very beginning that my  older sister is really not letting me marry, be it anyone, at this age. She thinks I’m too young and had to explore more careerwise, expand my horizon wider, and see the bigger world. Those were her exact words when she was into the rotten hell of discouraging me. Hahah! She played the Devil’s Advocate, I played Bella Swan. She talked to me basing on her experiences of marrying, ‘undecidedly’. To think that she has just married this year, she has come to a realization already that she has decided too early and is really regretting it all. She is 28, by the way. Heheh! I welcomed her opinions, her realizations, but then I played Bella Swan so damn well that I really wanted to be a vampire eventhough I know she’ll be right in some ways. I stick to what I have decided.

I am marrying my boyfriend because I love him. I’ve been inlove with him, and now I am loving him SO MUCH. My sister asked me the question, are you inlove with him, or do you love him? I know there’s a trick in there, but then I answered LOVE, not INLOVE. And then she said, I AM A DEAD MEAT for mouthing out LOVE. And then I asked, what’s the fuss? Hahah! I should have answered INLOVE, she said discouragingly. I’ll be nosebleeding with this godammit DISCOURAGE word in this entry.

What’s the fuss really? Be it LOVE or INLOVE, I love my boyfriend and I am inlove with him. Que sera, sera. I’ll see the bigger world, expand my horizon wider, and explore the world WITH HIM. Heheh! I’ll make it right this time.

 

mostly, i dream about being with you forever…

Yep, it’s a line from the first book of Twilight. I became interested with the book when I saw the trailer of the movie starring Robert Pattinson ( Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire). And yes, I immediately made it as my shoutout in Friendster, the line. I kind of connected and became obsessed with the line because that’s what I feel to the man who has been my childhood dream.

And that’s what I wanna tell him, eversince.  I just got out of focus and then I found him in the latter part. Thank God.

Mostly, I dream about being with him forever. That’s just so romantic I wanna cry.

 

your past will haunt you no matter what

Being in a long distance relationship is much harder than what i thought it was. Very hard, very very hard. You’ll wake up in a midnight thinking about your boyfriend who used to be watching you sleep. Longing for someone who also loves you but just cannot get nearer brings more pain than longing for someone who doesn’t even know you exist.

I am hopeful i’d surpass this kind of thing as years will come. I have to get used to this style because I’ll be tying the knot with somebody who is always out of the country and just stays here for 2-3 months. I MUST get used to it.

To be honest, I am still praying for myself to remain loyal to the man I LOVE. Temptations just come and go. We never know when it will hit you straight on the face and leave you lie flat on the ground. Remembering an ex-boyfriend is never an exception. As what I have previously stated in this blog, I was madly inlove with him.

Is it my past which haunts me, or is it just me being nostalgic about the things and feelings that have affected me in one way or another? I once rode a jeepney going home and smelled something familiar. My ex-boyfriend’s cologne. Toinks! Hahahahah! I thought to myself, I should not be entertaining things like that and should have kept on thinking about my current boyfriend’s Oxygen Cologne. Heheheh.

 

I am InLove and I’m getting married next year

Imagine yourself saying these words. How would you feel and how would you react upon processing those words in your brain? I AM INLOVE, AND I AM GETTING MARRIED NEXT YEAR. Giddy. If I’ll be saying that, the first thing that I would bother to think of is, how would I want my surname be? The one like what GMA is using, or just use your husband’s family name? After all, that’s what you’ve been wishing for. Be your boyfriend’s wife.

Haha. Too shallow me. If I’ll be saying those words, in a mature perspective, I would be glad. I would be thinking about the other people who would be affected by this kind of move, but mostly, I’d be thinking about myself all the time. Will I be ready?

Yes, of course, I will be. ISUG! Hahaha. Next year, I will be 24 years old. Old enough to understand the things that teenage girls get confused about. Too old to know which among the confusing things are right and wrong. And too young for a thirty-three year old man.

But then I realized, it’s not the age that matters when getting married. Well in some ways, but it is not a major concern. What matters is the readiness and the LOVE which, if we’d compare it to food, is properly and deliciously cooked already ready to be served.

I’d be overjoyed if I get married next year. Because I AM IN LOVE. And I am getting ready.