the problem is in me

i feel bad.

do i not have the right to get mad?

if the sin has been committed for so many times?

Most especially if there’s a promise involved.

I hate people who don’t hold on to their promises.

They can leave you  hanging, worst end for you-you’re lying face-flat on the ground.

The problem is in me. I always believe in a promise which I think can save us.

When that promise has been broken, I end up MAD.

And when I get mad, I fight like a child.

I do not want to end up a looser and beaten.

I handle things my way. And my way is the right way.

Not knowing that the people around me are affected and hurt.

It’s my PRIDE which is to be blamed.

 

Thank GOD there’s RICHY

He left at 6pm. The night of that Sunday was the worst night of my life. I kept on crying and crying. Everybody in the house knew it. It felt so empty and I wanna run as fast as I could just to get after him. But I’ve got nothing to do. He’s in a far place. Can be reached but I cannot get there in just a click of a finger. And I wanna see him in just one ‘facing on the other side of the room’.

I dread the day of the next flight that he is gonna have. He is not staying in Manila. He’ll be working outside the country.

All of these struggles and sadness that I felt was lessen because of that cute, stuffed, and furry creature in my bed which is wearing the shirt he wore before he left for Manila. I smell his skin on that furry little creature wearing his used shirt!

hehehehe.

 

July 8

July 8, 2007.  I don’t even want to remember it.

The patience which was prolonged for the sake of love, had ended.

We fought and the details of it are so not-worth-thinking-of.

 

I fear the day that will come and I sure will miss you like HELL!

You’ll be leaving soon. sooner.

just one week left for us and I’ll never see you again for the next nine months.

i don’t even want to imagine myself crying like a baby waiting for your flight, with you in an airport.

i will feel the same emptiness that i felt just like when you left. years ago.

you never knew about that. just now. and you never felt.

but now, i don’t know what you will feel if the scene that I am imagining will come to be realized.

i will miss you like hell!

just like what I felt when I was just a kid. i missed you, but you never knew.

now that you will imagine and know, we’ll be missing each other…

i fear the day that you will leave.

i am so sure, i will miss you like hell!

 

i am looking forward

looking forward to come home early and pinch your nose to say, Good Morning, Sunshine!

I like it when i lay my back on your side, and you hug me.

I like it when i flip my body to the other side, I see your face.

I like it that I feel secure and loved when i sleep and wake up that you are there.

i am looking forward to spending the rest of it…with you.

 

i think it’s just right

i think, not feel.

i am using a head and a heart.

i was so into him. when i was little.

until now, i still dream of him. but circumstances.

oh circumstances. they just come my way. and his way.

we never met in the supposed way in which we should have seen each other.

he was happy, i was drenched in the mixed solution of a happy but messy relationship.

or i was happy, and he was static and moved.

but then our paths crossed. and i hope the path that have crossed, will become into a one-way road.

us, holding one another, and walking towards one goal.

 

it’s you…and your friends!

i didn’t know it would end up like this. i never expected it. i like thinking of the things that had happened. I like thinking of the things that might happen at the end.  i like it when we move and play and act as if nothing happened but when our eyes meet, there is this something that’s so significant I can’t tell anybody but myself. I say shut up and don’t let them know. I say you won’t forgive yourself in the end. I say you will just keep hurting if you’ll continue in hallucinating. But it feels great inside. It feels light and colorful inside. i feel a thousand of sparks and blooming flowers keep on happening inside.

unfortunately…you are taken. and im taken.

wahahaah!

 

i am still going!

i agreed you never went with them.

when i decided not to agree, you became angry, and decided not to go.

how can i not disagree when you and your friends have your chuk-chak-chenes there?

i struggled to agree with it. i agreed in the later part.

you changed your mind and decided not to go, EVER.

and now it’s my turn to have my own outing and you get back to me by never agreeing with it.

there are no chuk-chak-chenes there!

i am still going!

 

i hope you’ll get through it

i hope you success.

and i congratulate you for being the person that you are.

you sure don’t wanna lose me.

just be humble. keep your cool.

always be focused and keep on track.

ill say this, PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE.

 

had to keep it

she is still asking if you’re still used to be doing what you’ve been doing when we were still together.

of course, I had to think of a lie, and said “no”.

i looked directly to her eyes. she looked to mine. and i thought, ’she is still not convinced i am telling the truth. because i am really not’.

she will always tell me the same stories she’s been telling from the moment my footsteps stepped in that home. “he has been doing what he’s used to do. he is not worth your love. he is nonsense. no future. nothing at all.”

inside me, i am telling myself, “you have to believe her. she is telling the truth.”

what i don’t like, she keeps on putting you down even though she knows that I still love you. I still value you. I still believe in what you’re saying that you are promising will save your future.

i don’t know what Ill be doing in the end if my intuitions will not direct me to the proper place. Might REGRET this for all of my life.